Time............Heals All Wounds?

WOW!! Where have I been? It has been 5 months since I have published a post. I had a couple saved and will go back and update them but for now I have to get back on track with posting. So where have I been? You know I have been overcoming and adjusting. In the year and 3 months since Joshua was diagnosed our lives have totally transformed into such different paths and things from where we were prior to that really scary day. We moved in August (the one year mark for diagnosis), got settled, I started a new part time job, got completely involved in my new job maybe for sanity reasons........who the heck knows but it is interesting to where we were and where we are now. In the last 5 months since I have posted I really was adjusting to Celiac Disease on top of diabetes. That one threw us for a really big loop. So today as I write this, I am feeling the holiday spirit with Christmas fast approaching which is something I didn't really even recognize last year. I have to say that we are feeling good about where we have gotten with diabetes/celiac, we are feeling more confident with how we handle it and deal with it and we are stronger people now because of this last year.

I think that if I had to define what is different is it doesn't seem so dark like it did. The only way I can describe a life altering diagnosis to others is you feel stuck in a really dark place for awhile. It's a lonely place too. When I look back I have certain specific instances of time that something stands out for example when Joshua had his first low, when he got his pump, his first Halloween as a diabetic etc. but really to summarize my entire first year feels like this block of time that is a dark blur. It's as if I can go to a calendar and take a black marker and just blackout months of time where it was blurry and dark. You know when companies black out certain dates you aren't allowed to take a vacation? That is how my life feels, a big blackout with our diagnosis for awhile but we were certainly not on vacation for all those months of adjusting......of that I specifically remember. BUT...........there really is a but to all of this, there's a however, a on the other hand or even if you want to say on the other side of the token.... whichever way you want to phrase it.........there is truly light at the end of the tunnel. It just takes a while.
My message I really want to deliver to everyone is Yes there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is hope. The pain you do carry with you. It's a small little stab that eases but you will carry that little small twinge of "why?". You will always remember diagnosis, you will reflect on the 3 days in the hospital as agonizing acceptance because you have no choice but to accept this agonizing reality. It's a very surreal 3 days. You seem to have a difficult time catching up to the fact that just the day before life was moving along and then "what happened?". You will carry this sadness in your heart and memory bank because no matter what way you look at it your child has to do different things than the average person. "Will they handle it, or will they not? How does he/she feel about doing this?" So you are sad when you are with all the other children and you have to do a bloosugar check. It's a sadness we live with, but somehow just move forward knowing it. Your life consists of all these interruptions of BS checks, carb counting and injections. You don't ever get away from the reminders that are daily. And you don't ever get away from realizing you are now different. So how does anyone find light at the end of the tunnel in all of this dark stuff. It is dark. It is difficult. And no where is any of this easy. I know, I am living it. It is truly one of the hardest things I have ever had to face and adjust to.........so how did I find light at the end of the tunnel? On some days I am still searching.......but I find it in a simple thing called GRACE. I reflect on that feeling or thought when I am troubled and it lifts me up. The Websters definition for Grace is: b: a virtue coming from God b archaic : mercy , pardon c: a special favor : privilege d: disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e: a temporary exemption : reprieve3 a: a charming or attractive trait or characteristic b: a pleasing appearance or effect :
I think the thing that I focus most on in finding my own light at the end of our personal tunnel of darkenss is that if God has chosen for my child to have diabetes.......are we as parents or Joshua not the lucky ones that he was not chosen to bear much more than diabetes? Am I not lucky to still have my child with a life sentence of management and not a death sentence? My light rest in two facts. One.......I have proven I can do this and as hard as it is.........some mothers out there are caring for invalid children and unresponsive children, or how about those watching their children die a slow death of cancer? That is agonizing to live and I am not living that. I am possibly one of the lucky ones with that fact. I am coping and managing. The other fact is once you start to manage diabetes...........you realize you still have his life in your hands. It is simply minus a pancreas. There are healthy people with diabetes all around...........and it's them that give me hope for my child. We don't focus on the negative we focus on the positive. I have life and health for my child. My challenge is simply much much harder to manage then others. And that is the only place I or Josh is different. The only thing that should ever be different between your child and another is to simply say "his pancreas doesn't work" and it stops there.
So everyone.........find your blessings and dwell upon them because it those blessings that will be your salvation. But just remember the darkness is normal................and there really is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to keep moving forward and you will eventually find it. All in due time.