Today finds the Place Family well. I look back on the last year and am amazed we have come out of it feeling as we have. My husband and I seem to have either an addiction to chaos, or a knack for it. I hope it is the latter but sometimes wonder if it's not the previous. There is only one way we have made it through any of what we have....it's not us, it's simply the hand of GOD over it all.
We are coming to the end of the school year and I can't tell you the relief I feel. I usually don't have such a strong desire either way for school to start or end. I have always enjoyed all experiences. I can't lie and say I haven't been anxious for school to start at the end of the summer, I don't know a mother yet who isn't a bit out of patience come August. But I've never struggled as I have for needing a new routine. This past year has especially challenged me beyond my own capabilities.

I seem to be at a crossroad. Not a crossroad of choices per se, but a crossroad filled with new perceptions, new visions for the future, a rejuvenation some might call it. I like to think I'm finding closure with one life and embarking on a journey into another. I have spent alot of time in reflection recently. We are coming up on a 5 year anniversary for our son being diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and I don't know why but that 5 year mark, coupled with all the changes in our life over those 5 years has left me really contemplating so many things. For the first time in a long time...I can actually see direction. For a long time I was just floating through this recent journey. Surviving. Now I'm an experienced person at a life with a child with special needs. Now my experience counts. Now it's time to share. But it's very bittersweet to move from surviving to sharing. Where my heart has healed from my experience, the scars of reality still do exist. We heal, but we still struggle. If not for my relationship with my Savior...how strong would I really be?

I sometimes ask myself as others might ask me..."what exactly was your journey?" Well aside from the obvious, the experience of having our son diagnosed with a chronic illness, (2 autoimmune disorders to be exact)...that was just the beginning. I think the real question is..."well, what do you do when you are forced down a road you didn't chooose?" What do you do? I think it's more like "what can you do?" When we first started it was nothing but survival mode. If I was honest,  I think I got stuck there. You know, how can you not get stuck? How can you not feel like you are in a dark prison wanting so badly to get out, but you have no key and all you want is to sleep peacefully, to wake up and have none of your life existing as it is. No one asks for a family member to get ill. No one asks for a child to have such bad behavior issues, you the Mama Bear can't even find out what the answer is. No one asks for these things yet we experience them all the same. How can you not get stuck in the prison of "darkness" as I like to call it. I label it as darkness because if I sit and talk to any parent who is going through such extreme challenges their definition of that time would be it felt very dark to travel down such a burdening road. I traveled through a journey of darkness myself.  I don't exactly think the God I believe in would intentionally create these hardships on my life...if God to me is light...what else should I call these evil experiences. I call them "darkness".

I'm no longer in darkness. I did find light along the way. And that is why it's so imperative to me to share my story with people. I have always known I would do that. I have so  much to share. So many small pieces of advice, the way God has grown me, what I've learned about the world and who we need to be in it. And the miracles that do exist...that we don't even view as miracles. When you look at a child, that is a miracle in itself. Don't get me wrong. I don't walk around feeling like my 5 kids are miracles all the time. Oh no, my kids drive me crazy just like yours most likely do you. I am such a failure as a woman. I can say that and be confident in it at the same time I'm confident about how much Christ loves me, and has taken care of me. I fail daily. I have been overcome by emotion and failed miserably at my actions. I have been at my worse so many times in the last 5 years, the humility I have felt...well, I learned through this..I can only do things through the strength of Christ. It's a hard lesson we all need to learn. It's a life handed to us special needs parents and there would be no growth if we had no failures.

 I am going to close my messages each time with two things.

The first is a piece of advice.  The advice is: life comes at you so fast, try not to take it for granted. The most valuable lesson I've learned is not that I could survive such hardships but how fragile life really is. You know..so many people know this and understand it because they have experienced losses and tragic situations. Others have experienced dramatic changes in life due to circumstances out of their control. But for those that haven't...if there is one thing to pass on to others would be this definition of how fragile life can be. One day you are just poking along living it like everyone else..and one test result, one cell, one choice, one step....so many small, but definitive things can shake your entire world up and when it sits back down....you might not even recognize the life you had.

Second, I want to leave people with a small thing called scripture. Something so small in written form but so large for our hearts. If you are in the midst of struggling, if you have a child that is suffering with a disease or illness...your struggle will remain. The struggle isn't going to go away. I can't lie to you. My son's diabetes is not going to go away. He will have Celiac Disease for the rest of his life. If your child has cerebral palsy...not going to go away. If your child suffers from cancer...could go away but you are forever changed by the experience. So many things...just don't go away. But the small thing I want you to know is, we CAN become stronger. We CAN grow. And we CAN survive. We can do all things through Christ. Philippians 4:13