Happy Friday Everyone!! I hope the day starts off well for everyone. Today I am having a good day. Well I'm forcing myself to have a GREAT day if I can. I have actually had a very rough time since we moved. If I was honest with everyone...since my son got diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and then CELIAC DISEASE....life is very challenging for me. Actually let's dig a bit deeper. It's not diabetes...or even the capitalized CELIAC DISEASE that has me so overwhelmed. It's the life God has mapped out for me that has been so challenging. Yeah, I've been trying to square things away with God even...you know when YOU (GOD) hand a person a life like this and say figure it out...well we basically fail. And for all of the people reading this...WE fail so we can grow but man...it's just a horrible feeling. And you see how I capitalized CELIAC DISEASE? Well I'm mad at that disease right now. So I'm taking my frustrations out on it. So imagine a person yelling at something they can't change. Well I can't so I will just act like I'm yelling at the diseae by capitalizing it. And you know what it is? I'm just so sick of making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich lately. Is that not the most absurd thing you have ever heard? I don't even eat peanut butter and jelly...and maybe it's not even the PB&J. I think it's the dumb bread. Well, it's all of it. I have to always think so hard to feed my son. And I have to be careful about it. You know like use a seperate toaster. Seperate butters and I never really have time to just HATE the diseases my son has. And I think what burdens me even more is how my son must feel. Can you imagine having to pack your lunch everyday? Not that packing is an issue at all...but he MUST pack. NO choices. And then what other choices we do have...I have to collaborate with the cafeteria so they can feed him correctly. And I know and can only imagine what a baby I must sound like...and you know what...I'm going to just hate the disease right now. I think that is the healthiest thing for me instead of putting on this brave face and acting like I just can conquer the world...well folks I'm just tired of peanut butter and jelly and gluten free bread. But the bible says in Ephesians 4:26 - Be angry and do not sin. There's more but you know to remember just that simple part of it. To be angry and not sin? HAHA...ok. Well, I try and I've tried and I'm going to continue to try. But right now...I'm going to admit I'm angry. In the movie Pretty Woman my favorite part of the movie is when Richard Gere says he paid $10,000 in therapy just to be able to say "I am angry with my father." I love it because so many things in life can be started with that sentence. I am angry with Celiac Disease. There...I said it. Now lets try not to sin in my anger. Pray for me people.
But you know CELIAC DISEASE...see, there it is. My anger at the disease...well that isn't the life God handed me. That was the preparation. And you know God...let me talk to God for a minute here...You know God, that was alot of preparation don't ya think? Yes, HE does think. He KNEW...he was preparing me for something with much more depth. I'm not sure how this disease fits into it just yet...well, sometimes I think I do, and then other times I wonder..but I will at some point I'm sure. God tell us in Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you. God does have a plan for all of us. For me and my family our plan was that our preparation was for our son to be diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes..and you know I'll stop right there because many people are so confused about how God made my son sick. No God didn't MAKE my son sick. Our evil world and all the things that go wrong in our world..caused my son's body to get ill. The lack of perfection..the lack of a perfect life is what got my son sick. We ruined perfection people!! Well my fellow sister EVE ruined it for us all. And her silly husband Adam...like why do you men listen to us all the time? Really? Don't you know us women do really dumb things all the time. God made WOman from MAN and the part you all need to really hear is the WO part. That wo is just a shortened version of WHOA. Like as in WHOA stop us!! So it's a sinful world and we started that sinful process. But anyway...another conversation perhaps...my son got sick with a chronic illness and God did one thing. HE allowed it to happen. I wasn't being punished...see another thing many people sadly believe is we get punished but you know everything is for God's glory. God prepares us in our life experiences...and then he has a plan to use those experiences so you can bring Glory to HIM. It took a bit for me to figure that out...alot of us are just simply convicted by the Holy Spirit and we label it as emotions when really it's like subtle promptings of the spirit moving and guiding us in HIS direction. But hindsight showed me my life and GOD told me...he is the almighty whisperer you know... HE showed me that I needed to use this experience for something greater than what it was. I began to "refuse to believe" and ah I love that statment when used correctly. I REFUSED TO BELIEVE that God would allow a small child to suffer and experience something awful for no apparent reason so I began to ask WHY? What do I do with this? So I was prompted to take in other children through foster care and even ADOPT. You know I used to be a person who said I would never adopt. I couldn't fathom that idea. I wasn't emotionally equipped for that. Yet here I am..with two adopted children and a foster baby in my home and well, that's why I'm tired. God never said I wouldn't be worn and weary. God knows I am worn and weary. But he also rejuvenates me to make this all happen. I have no idea what HIS plan is even in all this. I just know I have to do it. So when I said at the beginning I've struggled since we've moved. This life God has given me...well, it just has me worn out. But I'm confident! In Isaiah 40:29 it reads - He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. I'm still here today everyone...because he constantly restores me. But today I hate CELIAC DISEASE.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Who is the Big Bad Wolf?
How do you see the world? Is it like the story of Little Red Riding Hood where you are innocently traveling along and you encounter this Big Bad Wolf of somekind that tricks you when you least expect it? Do you blame everyone for all that has happened to you? Have you ever had to ask yourself that question? It's hard being truthful with ourselves isn't it? Or how about this? Are you paranoid and so untrusting just so you can prevent the Big Bad Wolves in your life? You know, kind of like I can only rely on myself for anything and I won't ever give anyone half a chance at doing me wrong or pulling some form of trickery on me? Do you ever think like that? How do you view the world? I think that is a really important question and I love to wonder that about people and how they think. People actually fascinate me on a very intellectual and phycological level. They always have. I love people. So..again, I find myself thinking about people today.
God created us so unique, so different that no two people are the same. We are all similiar, all alike.... you know that DNA cannot be reproduced. Like a fingerprint.
Probably the greatest gift a person can receive outside of salvation is knowing how much you are treasured by God. To know that while everyone is treating you poorly (if they are)...God is there loving you. While you are alone, God is there waiting on you to open yourself up to him. I too, I wonder alot of things for example, I've had a lot of conflict in my life. Much of it I've brought on my own self. Really, I have. My family has basically disowned me and I set the ball in motion for that to happen but if any of you knew what it took to actually accept that and write it and announce it...whew, to admit I caused my family to get so angry at me they won't even speak to me?.....HA!! if you only knew how much that held me hostage. So I figured why not blog about it. Lets just break these chains!! The guilt over what transpired between me and family really controlled me so what changed for me was this: if I'm such a horrible person than why is God there telling me I'm not horrible at all. If I am not worth talking to, not worth working out a conflict with and not worth even speaking to...why is there a GOD that tells me otherwise? I rolled this question around over and over. I prayed, I asked forgiveness and you know what I asked forgiveness for? I asked God to forgive me for the negativity in my heart. I asked God to forgive me for hurting other people with my choice of words and how I expressed them. I said some negative things about my family that I felt were true. What is awesome is God has forgiven me because I asked him to. My sisters have not. And if they have...I do not know about it. I know I have finally come to peace with it through praying and seeking with God. God's forgiveness is a treasure to hold close.
I think it is interesting that for days now I keep rolling around in my head this Joshua's Generation concept. You know, the Generation for a Cure thing? Well, look how that can be applied? A cure is a solution. It's a healing. It's where something is fused together and made stronger. At least I'm going to think of it that way. So if I want a cure for my soul....I can seek God. And HE can cure me of so many things. Even acceptance into broken relationships. It is the devil that holds us hostage to negativity. Hostage to how we view ourselves. So with all the conflict in my life, all the really negative things I've experienced....I don't feel that the world has been all about Big Bad Wolves. In fact, I think the opposite. When I read things in the bible, and evaluate my situation, I couldn't figure out why some things were as they were. I struggled with answers. You know like why can't my sisters sit down and discuss this with me? If God is so forgiving, why can't they be? I don't know what happens in the hearts of others. I wish I did. So I guess it's just part of wondering how others view the world kind of thing. I have since come to realize that I might have done a really poor job at expressing myself but if I was honest which I usually am... I felt like I didn't want to live with double standards, I didn't want to live with hypocrisy. I didn't want to live with judgement and negativity so while I handled changing that poorly, it is how I feel and believe. I allowed anger and words to get the best of me and expressed it between my two sisters poorly but it's my position and I'm not going to be held hostage by guilt in being a person who desires certain things.
In retrospect, and in taking what I've learned and moving forward the one question I really struggled with was this and maybe out of this posting it will stand out..."why can God Almighty forgive me, but two sisters can't?" I didn't get closure on my situation because all parties had a meeting of the mind. And adding a little splash of "my honesty" once more...I think they think I'm the Big Bad Wolf and they are Little Red Riding Hood but for me....I think the devil is the real wolf. He's the one who is disquised more than we realize. So if I was to say how do I view the world? I think we have a powerful devil who uses people and circumstances all the time and he is very subtle and tricks people all the time. But I think people all deserve God's grace and salvation. As for my sisters forgiving me....Well, only they and God know that answer but between me and God...I did what I needed to do. I am sad, but peaceful. So I don't have an outcome that is great, but I have an outcome that has cured my pain within my heart and soul and God has delivered me from that burden. God does cure us. He may not cure our physical ailments, and we don't always get the outcome we want....but GOD always does know the right way for us.
Today I asked how do you view life? It takes a level of reflection to answer that for yourself but Mother Teresa wrote this: Prayer enlarges the heart until it is capable of containing God's gift of himself. Ask and seek, and your heart will grow big enough to receive Him and to keep as your own. Wherever God has put you, that is your vocation. It is not what we do but how much love we put into it.
I think that is good wisdom to follow. We could definitely find a cure for our spirit if we do that just a few times a day, don't ya think?
God created us so unique, so different that no two people are the same. We are all similiar, all alike.... you know that DNA cannot be reproduced. Like a fingerprint.
Probably the greatest gift a person can receive outside of salvation is knowing how much you are treasured by God. To know that while everyone is treating you poorly (if they are)...God is there loving you. While you are alone, God is there waiting on you to open yourself up to him. I too, I wonder alot of things for example, I've had a lot of conflict in my life. Much of it I've brought on my own self. Really, I have. My family has basically disowned me and I set the ball in motion for that to happen but if any of you knew what it took to actually accept that and write it and announce it...whew, to admit I caused my family to get so angry at me they won't even speak to me?.....HA!! if you only knew how much that held me hostage. So I figured why not blog about it. Lets just break these chains!! The guilt over what transpired between me and family really controlled me so what changed for me was this: if I'm such a horrible person than why is God there telling me I'm not horrible at all. If I am not worth talking to, not worth working out a conflict with and not worth even speaking to...why is there a GOD that tells me otherwise? I rolled this question around over and over. I prayed, I asked forgiveness and you know what I asked forgiveness for? I asked God to forgive me for the negativity in my heart. I asked God to forgive me for hurting other people with my choice of words and how I expressed them. I said some negative things about my family that I felt were true. What is awesome is God has forgiven me because I asked him to. My sisters have not. And if they have...I do not know about it. I know I have finally come to peace with it through praying and seeking with God. God's forgiveness is a treasure to hold close.
I think it is interesting that for days now I keep rolling around in my head this Joshua's Generation concept. You know, the Generation for a Cure thing? Well, look how that can be applied? A cure is a solution. It's a healing. It's where something is fused together and made stronger. At least I'm going to think of it that way. So if I want a cure for my soul....I can seek God. And HE can cure me of so many things. Even acceptance into broken relationships. It is the devil that holds us hostage to negativity. Hostage to how we view ourselves. So with all the conflict in my life, all the really negative things I've experienced....I don't feel that the world has been all about Big Bad Wolves. In fact, I think the opposite. When I read things in the bible, and evaluate my situation, I couldn't figure out why some things were as they were. I struggled with answers. You know like why can't my sisters sit down and discuss this with me? If God is so forgiving, why can't they be? I don't know what happens in the hearts of others. I wish I did. So I guess it's just part of wondering how others view the world kind of thing. I have since come to realize that I might have done a really poor job at expressing myself but if I was honest which I usually am... I felt like I didn't want to live with double standards, I didn't want to live with hypocrisy. I didn't want to live with judgement and negativity so while I handled changing that poorly, it is how I feel and believe. I allowed anger and words to get the best of me and expressed it between my two sisters poorly but it's my position and I'm not going to be held hostage by guilt in being a person who desires certain things.
In retrospect, and in taking what I've learned and moving forward the one question I really struggled with was this and maybe out of this posting it will stand out..."why can God Almighty forgive me, but two sisters can't?" I didn't get closure on my situation because all parties had a meeting of the mind. And adding a little splash of "my honesty" once more...I think they think I'm the Big Bad Wolf and they are Little Red Riding Hood but for me....I think the devil is the real wolf. He's the one who is disquised more than we realize. So if I was to say how do I view the world? I think we have a powerful devil who uses people and circumstances all the time and he is very subtle and tricks people all the time. But I think people all deserve God's grace and salvation. As for my sisters forgiving me....Well, only they and God know that answer but between me and God...I did what I needed to do. I am sad, but peaceful. So I don't have an outcome that is great, but I have an outcome that has cured my pain within my heart and soul and God has delivered me from that burden. God does cure us. He may not cure our physical ailments, and we don't always get the outcome we want....but GOD always does know the right way for us.
Today I asked how do you view life? It takes a level of reflection to answer that for yourself but Mother Teresa wrote this: Prayer enlarges the heart until it is capable of containing God's gift of himself. Ask and seek, and your heart will grow big enough to receive Him and to keep as your own. Wherever God has put you, that is your vocation. It is not what we do but how much love we put into it.
I think that is good wisdom to follow. We could definitely find a cure for our spirit if we do that just a few times a day, don't ya think?
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
WOW!! It's been way too long. Again. I seem to get this started and then life gets in the way and I stop. But I have had some sort of insight into my purpose. I kept stressing out over where I was suppossed to be putting all my effort. I found myself procrastinating more than anything. But then Sunday while in church scripture just sort of bumped right into me!! I found all I needed to know in 2nd Corinthians about comfort. And then finally it just came full circle for me. It was like you have the purpose and idea God gave you right in front of you. I created in the beginning Joshua's Generation and used the scripture that comforted me and guided me through my trial at the time. And I kept repeating over in my head....give me this answer God. You have given me this life....what do I do with it. You are wanting to use me...so WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? And then it hit me....Keep is Simple Sweetie. You know that KISS method. I was brought right back to what is already present. I am already a Witness for Christ. He made me one when my son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. And then HE handed me Celiac Disease...and then HE brought me two little girls with this same disease and I realized that no plan is without God's design. His HAND chose me for this. And when he mapped this experience out for me...and I chose to turn to HIM for all my needs...he created a great story within my home. Within my heart. Within my reach....I can tell my story. Because my story is NOT diabetes. My story is struggle...my story is darkness...and finding light. My story is finding CHRIST in the center of all that. Truly finding HIM waiting there for me. And as I read 2nd Corinthians I realized....I lead with my story. I lead by my experience. And there are many many out there who will experience very similiar trials. So my story is not DIABETES....my story is I STRUGGLE. And I CHOSE HIM. My story is...finding light when all you see is darkness. So I had an epiphany. And I had vision. I had clarity. And now I have peace within. Because if you ever doubt if you get answers in prayer....I can tell you that you do. And if you ever doubt if you can HEAR him speak...it is not a direct voice...but HE does communicate. So I found my purpose with Joshua's Generation. I know what to do with it..I know what to make of it...now it's up to me to represent. Oh we still have a cure to find. Of that you can be certain I do hold great passion for motivating all of you to join me in that search for a cure. We do have diabetes to fight....diabetes is our struggle. Diabetes is the experience. But our COMFORT is within the ALMIGHTY. Our peace will come through HIM. So lets get this journey started. Lets be leaders like Joshua and make this a generation that fights for change. Change within the physical of finding a cure for our illness and a spiritual change that is about a cure for our spirits and souls. I cannot cure you of any ailment...but I can comfort you through CHRIST who comforts me. I cannot save you....I can only lead you to the cross. Our experiences are powerful....but CHRIST is almighty. He is MIGHTY to SAVE.
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